幽一幽，笑一笑

160205
有道是，是不是美女，卸妝就知道，是不是帥哥，剪光頭就知道。
https://www.facebook.com/holmes.zhu?fref=nf&pnref=story

ABCDEFG & HIJK by Others

有个女孩问男友：为什么英文的排列是ABCDEFG？ 
男友回答：因为 A boy can do everything for girls. 
女孩听完非常感动，决定这一辈子非这个男孩不嫁。 
但是….她忘记了英文接下来的排列是HIJK. He is just kidding… 

go a head （去个头 ）- 转载

http://jalong.blogspot.com/2014/10/go-head.html

某公司经理叫秘书转呈公文给老板：“报告老板，下个月欧洲有一批订单，我觉得公司需要带人去和他们开会。” 

老板在公文后面短短签下：“Go a head”。 

经理收到之后，马上指示下属买机票，拟行程，自己则是整理行李。 

临出发那天，被秘书挡下来。  秘书：“你要干什么？” 

经理：“去欧洲开会啊！” 

秘书：“老板有同意吗？” 

经理：“老板不是对我说Go a head吗？” 

秘书：“来公司那么久，难道你还不知道老板的英文程度吗？ 

老板的意思是：去个头！”

逃学的原因 - 转载

http://jalong.blogspot.com/2014/10/blog-post_30.html

小明的婆婆爱孙心切，接了一道从学校打来的电话，匆匆line给乖孙：你惨了啦，赶快去躲起来，你的老师因为你翘课来家里找你了！

小明回传：阿嫲要赶快躲起来的是你。今天打电话跟老师请假说阿嫲过世了，所以今天不上学。

结果阿嫲已经为上门家访的老师开了门，老师很惊讶的说：“您老….”

阿嫲不慌不忙的跟老师说：今天是头七，回家看看，不好意思，让老师受惊了。

《人家在一起，关你鸟事?!》- 转载

一位年轻人问禅师：王菲和谢霆锋又在一起，是否有爱情死灰复燃这回事呢？

禅师指著笼子里的鸟，对青年道：看看它你就明白了。

青年观察了很久，突然一拍大腿，顿悟道：大师的意思是否说，爱情的意义就像这笼中之鸟，看似被困其中，只要决定长相厮守，就能获得真爱？

禅师道：非也！我的意思是：《人家在一起，关你鸟事?!》

转载 - 点唱

点唱

一个小女孩打电话到电台想给妈妈点首歌。

主持人：为什么要给妈妈点歌?

小女孩：妈妈每天上班都很辛苦，礼拜天还不能好好休息，要找各种练习本给我。

主持人很感动说她很懂事，是妈妈的好孩子，

于是就问要点什么歌呢?

小女孩：“女人何苦为难女人。

转：校长对考生说的话

校长的话：

走到今日，辛苦你们了……….

成绩好的同学，保持水准，能考取A的尽量考A，不要客气。

其他同学，至少取个B或及格，对六年来所受的教育有个交待。

自认成绩不理想的同学，没关系，只要身体健康，勇敢走进考场，有问必答，不交白卷，尽了力，你们就是最棒了！

Joke 002

The Wonderful Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on
a bench rings and a man engages the free speaker function and
begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, 🐝it's me... R u at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I'm at the City Centre mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000
Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you really like it.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2013 Models.
I saw one ,I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$98,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house 🏡I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking for $980,000/-.'

MAN: 'well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, go the extra 50 thousand if you think it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK.  I'll see you later!
I love you so much!  You’re so generous!'

MAN: “You’re worth it.  'Bye!'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths wide open

The wonderful husband turns and asks: "Anybody know whose phone this is?"

Fun 140803 @ China

笑笑 - 第一话

http://jalong.blogspot.com/2014/08/blog-post_20.html

性骚扰

妈妈对女儿说：如果有人对你性骚扰，摸上面就说‘不要’，摸下面就说‘停’。

隔天，女儿被性骚扰了，哭着回来向妈妈说，妈妈听完女儿的话后很生气的说：你有拒绝那个人吗？

女儿用很无辜的眼神看着妈妈点点头说：那个人上下一起摸，所以我说‘不要….停’！

错别字

一名中年妇女到医院看病，正巧碰到这样一位‘赤脚医生’。中年妇女自述拇指发炎，医生看了看患者的拇指，决定拍张X光片，于是顺手写了一张检查单，对患者说道：去放射科。

这名妇女看了看检查单，愕了一下，没敢多问就转身走了。

第二天，这名妇女带着儿子来到医院放射科，要求拍张母子合影的照片。放射科医生非常奇怪，于是告诉患者，医院不是照相馆。

但这妇女坚持说是医生让他们来的，并拿出检查单。放射科医生打开一看，只见上面写着『母子照相』！

                                                                                                                                            

 牙痛

公园有一对恋人正在甜蜜，女孩撒娇说：老公，我牙痛~~！男孩于是吻了女孩一口问：还疼吗？女孩说不痛了！一会儿女孩又撒娇的说：老公，我脖子痛！男孩又吻了吻女孩儿的脖子，又问这回还疼吗？女孩很开心的说：不痛了！

旁边一老太太站着看了半天，忍不住上前问小伙子说：小伙子你真神了，你能治痔疮不？

文言漫谈 1

台灣交換學生的大陸青年回大陸後寫下這一段話：
中華文化悠遠5000年，保存最完整的不是在大陸，而是在台灣，很多文化的斷層在文字簡化上卻有具體的表徵：
漢字簡化後：
亲  親卻不見，
爱  愛而無心，
产  產卻不生，
厂  厰內空空，
面  麵內無麥，
运  運卻無車，
导  導而無道，
儿  兒卻無首，
飞  飛卻單翼，
云  有雲無雨，
开  開関無門，
乡  鄉裡無郎。
可巧而又巧的是：
魔仍是魔，
鬼還是鬼，
偷還是偷，
騙還是騙，
貪還是貪，
毒還是毒，
黑還是黑，
賭還是賭，
賊仍是賊！
每個繁體字都有其意思，缺少了，意思也有偏差。作引起學習文字的興趣，也是很好的題材。

Joke 001

LAUGHTER THE BEST MEDICINE

(1) DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Because my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!

(2) NAMES OF WIVES
A man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife.....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !

(3) HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME
This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress while thinking a name of his country and his mistress ask him "is it In Dear?"...

(4) RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh
milk & 2 big papayas, while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1tea-spoon of starch!

(5) ARAB MAN
An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls.'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"

(6) SERVICE
Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service, and sometimes you have to be
satisfied with self-service"

(7) HAPPY MAN
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy
and .. Wife on the cover of "missing persons"

(8) SWIMSUIT
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.

(9) GOOD AMBITION
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Because it is the only profession where you can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

(10) DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly."

(11) VIRGIN
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read : BORN
A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "

(12) OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married to a 15 year girl.
On their first night both were crying. Why ?
Because she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything.

网络贼笑话 - 转载

http://jalong.blogspot.com/2014/07/blog-post_4.html

广东一伙劫匪在抢劫銀行时说了一句至理名言：

通通不许动，钱是国家的，命是自己的！

大家都一声不吭躺倒。                                          

■ 这叫观念转换。改变原有固定思维方式。

劫匪望了一眼看着那穿裙子躺在桌上四肢朝天的出纳小姐，说：请你躺文明些！这是劫财，又不是劫色！

■ 这叫坚持职业操守，不该干的不干。

劫匪成功回去后，其中一个新来的劫匪（硕士学位）说：老大，我们赶快数一下抢了多少。

那老劫匪（小学毕业）说：你傻啊？这么多，你要数到什么时候啊？今天晚上看新闻不就知道了吗！

■ 这就叫工作经验，这年头工作经验比学历更重要!

 劫匪走后，行长说，赶紧报案！主任刚要走，行长急忙说：等等！把我们上次私自挪的那五百万也加上去！

■ 这叫危机处理，化不利为有利。

 主任说：要是劫匪每个月都來抢一回就好了。

工作很枯燥，快乐最重要！

第二天新闻联播报道銀行被抢了一亿，劫匪数來数去只有两千万。

老大骂道：妈的，老子拼了一条命才抢了两千万，銀行行长动动手指头就赚了八千万，看來這年头还是要读书啊！

 ■ 这叫知识可以转化金钱的证明。

It is All Gone, but well done, Liverpool

It is all Gone...to lead 3 goals with 11 min of 90 to go, 3 points is in the bag...but no, somehow Istanbul happen, this time it is Crystanbul, final score Liverpool FC 3-3 Crystal Palace.

It is heart breaking, although winning the match didn’t guarantee the Premier League crown, but definitely help to put some pressure to Manchester City..but now, it is almost gone, unless Man City too, collapse too, by at least lost one of their remaining match, it is still more than mathematically possible but reality is….hope we are all wrong, just hope…

Anyway, thank you Liverpool Football Club, given us the hope but dream still on…

And congratulation to achieve the target set before the start of the season, at least we are in the Champion League again…WELL DONE. 

Liverpool FC: The Next Manager: The Return of Rafa Banitez?

He is always my first choice. Just hope Henry will appoint him to return to turn Liverpool FC into the power house like what he did during the first 5 years in charge and given sufficient power to control what supposed to be controlled, including Players............
Rafael Benitez, Unemployed

This is the man who had a successful, long career with the Reds that ended under controversial circumstances about two seasons earlier.

In his six-year spell with the Reds, this man led Liverpool to an unprecedented Champions League triumph over AC Milan in 2005 after having trailed the Italian side, 3-0, at halftime.

An FA Cup trophy came in the next season, and he followed it up by guiding the Reds to another Champions League final the following season.

This is the same man who led a strong chase of the Premier League title in 2009, fighting against the tide and Alex Ferguson’s mind games, only to fall short to Man United after having accumulated 86 points.

This is the man who got the sack from the Liverpool hot seat during the summer of 2010. Former owners Hicks and Gillett came under much criticism for their decision to remove this man as head coach of Liverpool.

A six-month spell at Inter Milan followed, and to this day, this man remains unemployed.

This is the man who still resides at Merseyside and is the firm fan favorite to replace the fallen king of Anfield.

This is the man who goes by the name of Rafa Benitez!

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1185606-kenny-dalglish-sacked-6-possible-replacements-for-the-scot-at-anfield/page/7

Liverpool FC: Next Manager

Move on....

The next Manager...

My Choice? Need to say much?

Rafa Banitez, whoelse...

Dalglish sacked: My View

Dalglish was "sacked" or better way to say this, part with LFC....

This man, KOP call him the King, and he have my total respect, it is sad that he leave the club this way....

Just wish him all the best and well.

幽默-12-01

http://www.limfang.com/2012/04/blog-post_14.html


活下去

在一个有众多名流出席的晚会上，鬓发斑白的巴基斯坦影坛老将雷利拄着拐杖，蹒跚地走上台来就座。

主持人开口问道：“您还经常去看医生？”

“是的，常去看。”

“为什么？”

“因为病人必须去看医生，医生才能活下去。”

台下爆发出热烈的掌声，人们为老人的乐观精神和机智语言喝彩。

主持人接着问：“您常请教医院的药师有关药物的服用方法功能吗”

“是的，我常请教药师，有关药物的服用方法，因为药师也得赚钱活下去。”

台下又是一阵掌声。

“您常吃药吗？”

“不，我常把药物扔掉。因为我也要活下去。”

台下更什么哄堂大笑。

主持人最后说：“谢谢您接受我的访问”。

“别客气，我知道你也要活下去。”台下哄堂大笑。

  当理论与实务合而为一

一位老外在他办公桌旁边贴了一张告示，内容是这样的：

＂所谓理论，就是我们当前知道为什么，但是什么都行不通;

所谓实务，就是我们当前不知道为什么，但是都行得通;

本公司理论与实务已经结合为一：什么事都行不通，而且没有人知道为什么？＂

笑话12.4.2

http://limfang.blogspot.com/2012/04/blog-post_04.html

男人在外面有了個小三

小三：亲爱的，你要是把满脸的胡子刮掉就更有精神啦！
男人：不行，我老婆说她就喜欢我这把胡子。
小三：你就为我刮一次嘛。
男人：我要是把胡子刮了，我老婆会找我麻烦的。
小三：既然你老婆这么重要，以后你就别来找我！ 
小三软硬兼施，男人破例刮了胡子与小三幽会后很晚才回家。
心有余悸的男人没有开灯，他悄悄地躺在妻子身边..... 
妻子没有睡，她伸过手来摸了摸男人的下巴， . . . . . . . . . . . . 
惊恐地说：亲爱的，你怎么还在这儿？我老公就要回来啦!! 

笑话12.4.1

http://limfang.blogspot.com/2012/04/blog-post_07.html

相对论

一群青年学生问爱因斯坦什么是相对论。

他打个比喻：如果你与一位美丽的姑娘坐谈两个小时，只感觉那只是一分钟。而你坐在火炉旁仅仅一分钟却觉得有两个小时的难受，这就是相对论。

流行

俄国文学批评家赫尔今对庸俗的音乐总是捂着耳朵拒听。

主人说：演奏的乐曲都是最流行和高尚的。

赫尔今：流行就高尚吗？

主人：不高尚会流行吗？

赫尔今：流行性感冒不算高尚吧？

帽子下的脑袋

安徒生衣着简便，生活俭朴。

一日外出，有人问他：你脑袋上的帽子是什么东西？能算是帽子吗？

安徒生答道：你帽子下的脑袋是什么东西？能算是脑袋吗？

慢性自杀

伏尔泰咖啡瘾头十分大。

有朋友劝告：这是慢性毒药，你这么喝，等於慢性自杀。

伏尔泰说：你说得真对，这真是慢性的，以致我活到今天，65岁还没有死。