转：校长对考生说的话

校长的话：

走到今日，辛苦你们了……….

成绩好的同学，保持水准，能考取A的尽量考A，不要客气。

其他同学，至少取个B或及格，对六年来所受的教育有个交待。

自认成绩不理想的同学，没关系，只要身体健康，勇敢走进考场，有问必答，不交白卷，尽了力，你们就是最棒了！

Joke 002

The Wonderful Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on
a bench rings and a man engages the free speaker function and
begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, 🐝it's me... R u at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I'm at the City Centre mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000
Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you really like it.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2013 Models.
I saw one ,I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$98,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house 🏡I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking for $980,000/-.'

MAN: 'well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, go the extra 50 thousand if you think it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK.  I'll see you later!
I love you so much!  You’re so generous!'

MAN: “You’re worth it.  'Bye!'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths wide open

The wonderful husband turns and asks: "Anybody know whose phone this is?"

Fun 140803 @ China

笑笑 - 第一话

http://jalong.blogspot.com/2014/08/blog-post_20.html

性骚扰

妈妈对女儿说：如果有人对你性骚扰，摸上面就说‘不要’，摸下面就说‘停’。

隔天，女儿被性骚扰了，哭着回来向妈妈说，妈妈听完女儿的话后很生气的说：你有拒绝那个人吗？

女儿用很无辜的眼神看着妈妈点点头说：那个人上下一起摸，所以我说‘不要….停’！

错别字

一名中年妇女到医院看病，正巧碰到这样一位‘赤脚医生’。中年妇女自述拇指发炎，医生看了看患者的拇指，决定拍张X光片，于是顺手写了一张检查单，对患者说道：去放射科。

这名妇女看了看检查单，愕了一下，没敢多问就转身走了。

第二天，这名妇女带着儿子来到医院放射科，要求拍张母子合影的照片。放射科医生非常奇怪，于是告诉患者，医院不是照相馆。

但这妇女坚持说是医生让他们来的，并拿出检查单。放射科医生打开一看，只见上面写着『母子照相』！

                                                                                                                                            

 牙痛

公园有一对恋人正在甜蜜，女孩撒娇说：老公，我牙痛~~！男孩于是吻了女孩一口问：还疼吗？女孩说不痛了！一会儿女孩又撒娇的说：老公，我脖子痛！男孩又吻了吻女孩儿的脖子，又问这回还疼吗？女孩很开心的说：不痛了！

旁边一老太太站着看了半天，忍不住上前问小伙子说：小伙子你真神了，你能治痔疮不？

文言漫谈 1

台灣交換學生的大陸青年回大陸後寫下這一段話：
中華文化悠遠5000年，保存最完整的不是在大陸，而是在台灣，很多文化的斷層在文字簡化上卻有具體的表徵：
漢字簡化後：
亲  親卻不見，
爱  愛而無心，
产  產卻不生，
厂  厰內空空，
面  麵內無麥，
运  運卻無車，
导  導而無道，
儿  兒卻無首，
飞  飛卻單翼，
云  有雲無雨，
开  開関無門，
乡  鄉裡無郎。
可巧而又巧的是：
魔仍是魔，
鬼還是鬼，
偷還是偷，
騙還是騙，
貪還是貪，
毒還是毒，
黑還是黑，
賭還是賭，
賊仍是賊！
每個繁體字都有其意思，缺少了，意思也有偏差。作引起學習文字的興趣，也是很好的題材。

Joke 001

LAUGHTER THE BEST MEDICINE

(1) DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Because my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!

(2) NAMES OF WIVES
A man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife.....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !

(3) HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME
This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress while thinking a name of his country and his mistress ask him "is it In Dear?"...

(4) RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh
milk & 2 big papayas, while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1tea-spoon of starch!

(5) ARAB MAN
An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls.'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"

(6) SERVICE
Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service, and sometimes you have to be
satisfied with self-service"

(7) HAPPY MAN
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy
and .. Wife on the cover of "missing persons"

(8) SWIMSUIT
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.

(9) GOOD AMBITION
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Because it is the only profession where you can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

(10) DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly."

(11) VIRGIN
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read : BORN
A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "

(12) OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married to a 15 year girl.
On their first night both were crying. Why ?
Because she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything.

妙言 1

警員：喝酒了，醉駕知道不？司機：沒。員警：怎麼有酒味？司機：喝了杯啤酒。員警：啤酒也是酒。司機：請問蝸牛是牛嗎？員警：不是。司機：請問醬油是油嗎？員警：不是。司機：請問姑娘是娘嗎？員警：不是。司機：啤酒是酒嗎？員警：不是。司機：這不就對啦？！

外國人學中文，確實難理解：蝸牛不是牛，醬油不是油，姑娘不是娘……曾讀到一篇長微博，給初學中文的外國人講中文詞典差異：胸口摸得著的尺寸叫胸圍，胸口摸不到的尺寸叫胸襟；眼睛看得到的地方叫視線，眼睛看不到的地方叫視野；鼻子聞得到的味道叫氣味，鼻子聞不到的味道叫氣息；背後摸得到的硬度叫脊椎，背後摸不到的硬度叫脊樑；腦子裹測的出的東西叫智商，測不出的東西叫智慧；胸膛聽得到的聲音叫心跳，胸膛聽不著的聲音叫心情；泡的到的女人叫女友，泡不到的女人叫女神；林志玲演三級片叫情色電影，蒼井空演三級片叫色情電影；骨子里透得出的叫風騷，骨子里透不出的叫悶騷；路上走出來的印痕叫足印，路上走不出來的印痕叫足跡……

载自江迅‧雷人的“暫時性失控”2014-08-03 10:38

點看全文: http://opinions.sinchew.com.my/node/33521?tid=45#ixzz39OY4kg48 
Follow us: @SinChewPress on Twitter | SinChewDaily on Facebook

网络贼笑话 - 转载

http://jalong.blogspot.com/2014/07/blog-post_4.html

广东一伙劫匪在抢劫銀行时说了一句至理名言：

通通不许动，钱是国家的，命是自己的！

大家都一声不吭躺倒。                                          

■ 这叫观念转换。改变原有固定思维方式。

劫匪望了一眼看着那穿裙子躺在桌上四肢朝天的出纳小姐，说：请你躺文明些！这是劫财，又不是劫色！

■ 这叫坚持职业操守，不该干的不干。

劫匪成功回去后，其中一个新来的劫匪（硕士学位）说：老大，我们赶快数一下抢了多少。

那老劫匪（小学毕业）说：你傻啊？这么多，你要数到什么时候啊？今天晚上看新闻不就知道了吗！

■ 这就叫工作经验，这年头工作经验比学历更重要!

 劫匪走后，行长说，赶紧报案！主任刚要走，行长急忙说：等等！把我们上次私自挪的那五百万也加上去！

■ 这叫危机处理，化不利为有利。

 主任说：要是劫匪每个月都來抢一回就好了。

工作很枯燥，快乐最重要！

第二天新闻联播报道銀行被抢了一亿，劫匪数來数去只有两千万。

老大骂道：妈的，老子拼了一条命才抢了两千万，銀行行长动动手指头就赚了八千万，看來這年头还是要读书啊！

 ■ 这叫知识可以转化金钱的证明。

It is All Gone, but well done, Liverpool

It is all Gone...to lead 3 goals with 11 min of 90 to go, 3 points is in the bag...but no, somehow Istanbul happen, this time it is Crystanbul, final score Liverpool FC 3-3 Crystal Palace.

It is heart breaking, although winning the match didn’t guarantee the Premier League crown, but definitely help to put some pressure to Manchester City..but now, it is almost gone, unless Man City too, collapse too, by at least lost one of their remaining match, it is still more than mathematically possible but reality is….hope we are all wrong, just hope…

Anyway, thank you Liverpool Football Club, given us the hope but dream still on…

And congratulation to achieve the target set before the start of the season, at least we are in the Champion League again…WELL DONE. 

Liverpool FC: The Next Manager: The Return of Rafa Banitez?

He is always my first choice. Just hope Henry will appoint him to return to turn Liverpool FC into the power house like what he did during the first 5 years in charge and given sufficient power to control what supposed to be controlled, including Players............
Rafael Benitez, Unemployed

This is the man who had a successful, long career with the Reds that ended under controversial circumstances about two seasons earlier.

In his six-year spell with the Reds, this man led Liverpool to an unprecedented Champions League triumph over AC Milan in 2005 after having trailed the Italian side, 3-0, at halftime.

An FA Cup trophy came in the next season, and he followed it up by guiding the Reds to another Champions League final the following season.

This is the same man who led a strong chase of the Premier League title in 2009, fighting against the tide and Alex Ferguson’s mind games, only to fall short to Man United after having accumulated 86 points.

This is the man who got the sack from the Liverpool hot seat during the summer of 2010. Former owners Hicks and Gillett came under much criticism for their decision to remove this man as head coach of Liverpool.

A six-month spell at Inter Milan followed, and to this day, this man remains unemployed.

This is the man who still resides at Merseyside and is the firm fan favorite to replace the fallen king of Anfield.

This is the man who goes by the name of Rafa Benitez!

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1185606-kenny-dalglish-sacked-6-possible-replacements-for-the-scot-at-anfield/page/7

Liverpool FC: Next Manager

Move on....

The next Manager...

My Choice? Need to say much?

Rafa Banitez, whoelse...

Dalglish sacked: My View

Dalglish was "sacked" or better way to say this, part with LFC....

This man, KOP call him the King, and he have my total respect, it is sad that he leave the club this way....

Just wish him all the best and well.

笑话12.4.2

http://limfang.blogspot.com/2012/04/blog-post_04.html

男人在外面有了個小三

小三：亲爱的，你要是把满脸的胡子刮掉就更有精神啦！
男人：不行，我老婆说她就喜欢我这把胡子。
小三：你就为我刮一次嘛。
男人：我要是把胡子刮了，我老婆会找我麻烦的。
小三：既然你老婆这么重要，以后你就别来找我！ 
小三软硬兼施，男人破例刮了胡子与小三幽会后很晚才回家。
心有余悸的男人没有开灯，他悄悄地躺在妻子身边..... 
妻子没有睡，她伸过手来摸了摸男人的下巴， . . . . . . . . . . . . 
惊恐地说：亲爱的，你怎么还在这儿？我老公就要回来啦!! 

笑话12.4.1

http://limfang.blogspot.com/2012/04/blog-post_07.html

相对论

一群青年学生问爱因斯坦什么是相对论。

他打个比喻：如果你与一位美丽的姑娘坐谈两个小时，只感觉那只是一分钟。而你坐在火炉旁仅仅一分钟却觉得有两个小时的难受，这就是相对论。

流行

俄国文学批评家赫尔今对庸俗的音乐总是捂着耳朵拒听。

主人说：演奏的乐曲都是最流行和高尚的。

赫尔今：流行就高尚吗？

主人：不高尚会流行吗？

赫尔今：流行性感冒不算高尚吧？

帽子下的脑袋

安徒生衣着简便，生活俭朴。

一日外出，有人问他：你脑袋上的帽子是什么东西？能算是帽子吗？

安徒生答道：你帽子下的脑袋是什么东西？能算是脑袋吗？

慢性自杀

伏尔泰咖啡瘾头十分大。

有朋友劝告：这是慢性毒药，你这么喝，等於慢性自杀。

伏尔泰说：你说得真对，这真是慢性的，以致我活到今天，65岁还没有死。

梁文道‧硬幣的兩面：炫富與仇富

http://opinions.sinchew-i.com/node/20184

2011-07-20 18:39
雖然“炫富”好像是最近幾年才開始流行起來的新名詞，但是，它指涉的那些行為與現象卻十分古老。古老到打從有富人開始，便有了種種利用財富去區分人我之別的做法。今天大家去意大利膜拜文藝復興的大師傑作，其實就是在欣賞當時意大利富商和權貴炫富的結果。儘管炫富的歷史悠長，地理上分佈延廣，可是不同時代不同社會的炫富，還是有著不太一樣的意義。例如南太平洋各大群島上那著名的“誇富宴”（potlatch），請客吃飯請到了傾家蕩產、自毀珍財的地步，表面上看費人思量不可理喻，但人類學家卻解讀出一種社會關係的獨特建構。
那麼，今天中國的炫富又有沒有它獨特的形式和意義呢？就拿名噪一時的郭美美來說吧，她炫耀財富的辦法就是把自己擁有的名貴財貨一一拍照上網，秀給她不認識的網民看，結果引來公憤，意外追究出中國慈善團體到底有沒有浪費公眾捐款的討論。但我仍然對這件事本身感到好奇，難道郭美美之前完全料想不到群眾的反應？難道她不知道今日一般網民對於炫富的反感？
一方面是少數人越來越肆無忌憚地消費，並且以消費去展示自己的與眾不同；另一方面則是大眾對富裕階層的日益仇恨，動輒便在網上謾罵一切稍微有點好日子過的精英。一方面是炫富，另一方面是仇富，這便是當前中國式炫富的最大特色了。請恕我孤陋寡聞，在此之前，我還真不曾聽說有哪一個社會是以激起反感和怒火為目標的。
當然，這也不是2011年才有的新鮮事。幾年前，經濟學家茅於軾先生和史學家薛湧先生關於該不該“替富人說話”的討論，就是建立在這樣的社會背景和集體情緒之上。但這些討論始終沒有告訴我們，像郭美美這種人為甚麼在明知仇富情緒十分普遍的狀況下，還要在鏡頭前擺出一副相當陶醉的表情？更不可思議的是，許多在網上炫耀過財富的“富人”根本只不過是假富人，他們的身家和那些仇恨富人的百姓相去不遠，說不定他們也曾有過仇富的情緒。為甚麼他們要在人肉搜索這麼發達的時代冒險裝作有錢人？
沒錯，今天在中國炫富是有風險的。當官的戴上一隻名表，就有丟官的機會；駕駛一輛拉風好車滿街轉的，就會面對被人劃花車皮的可能。可是，這一點也不可能減去中國人對“奢華”的迷戀，這兩個字成了所有時尚雜誌與高級消費品廣告中最常見的字眼。即使某些喜好炫耀性消費的人常把“錢不是問題”掛在嘴上，但他們的消費方式卻顯示出錢才是最根本的問題。在這個如此敵視富人的社會裡頭，我們流行為了花錢而花錢的消費。
很有可能，仇富與炫富這兩個各走極端的傾向，是同一種心理焦慮的兩種表現，正如一塊硬幣的兩面。英國流行病學專家理查德．威爾金森和凱特．皮克特在他們那本廣受好評的《不平等的痛苦》中提到：“伴隨著焦慮水平的上升，自戀也隨之上升，二者擁有共同的根源。它們都是由所謂的社會評價威脅的增加引起的。”簡單地說，“社會評價威脅”是一種身份焦慮，把自己的尊嚴完全建立在其他人的評價之上，一天到晚就在擔心人家瞧不起自己。根據這兩位學者的比較研究，他們發現，一個社會越是不平等，其成員就越是憂慮他人對自己的看法。在一個極端不平等的社會裡面，大家既會用消費來增加自信，想讓他人看得起自己；也會因為在炫耀性消費面前自慚形穢，覺得自己被人貶低賤視。
這批炫富者其實就是一群很沒有自信心的可憐人，就和大部份仇富的人一樣可憐，大家都不能把尊嚴安放在更堅實的基礎之上，只能仰仗他人的臉色和目光來判斷自己的身份。因為這個國家的發展拉大了不平等的趨勢，貧富日益懸殊；更因為這個國家本來就有“社會評價威脅”的肥沃土壤，無論何時都要講究“你是甚麼級別”“你是甚麼身份”。級別高的人可以在災難現場先走一步，沒有身份的人就活該在醫院門口排上好幾天的隊。所以，郭美美要給大家來看她美美的照片來滿足她對信心的需要（乃至於可以不計後果）；我們則喜歡盲人腳底按摩師稱呼我們為“領導”，過一小時有身份之人的癮。（星洲日報／言路‧作者：梁文道‧香港牛棚書院院長）

Current Squads and Age-Old Issues

http://tomkinstimes.com/2011/05/current-squads-and-age-old-issues/
Posted on May 19th, 2011 by Paul Tomkins

Like most Liverpool fans, my thoughts turned to next season some while ago. This will be the first summer of FSG, Damien Comolli and Kenny Dalglish. If the winter transfer window was anything to go by, it should prove to be both exciting and dramatic.

Comparisons, and Falling Short

This site’s Dan Kennett made some points in the comments section about Liverpool in comparison with Manchester United. Dan listed the 24 United players to have played more than 15 games this season, as Ferguson continues to be the great rotator of English football.

“Fans of other teams love to snipe about players like Evans, Gibson, Brown, Owen and Obertan but you can’t deny that as members 20 to 24 of the squad they’re more than sufficient.

In contrast we have 22 players in the current squad who’ve played over 15 games and this includes Ngog, Cole, Kyriagkos, Poulsen, Jovanovic and Konchesky.”

I’ll put my hard hat on because, it may be harsh but I think that’s six players who wouldn’t get into that United squad, even ahead of the likes of Gibson, Evans and Owen.”

We could of course debate this last point. In theory, Joe Cole is better than Darron Gibson; in practice, neither player has wooed the fans. Soto Kyrgiakos on a good day looks right at home at Liverpool, but alas, we also recall the big Greek on a few bad days. And while Michael Owen’s pedigree far outstrips that of David Ngog – by the same age, Owen was European Footballer of the Year – it’s fair to note that both are at around one goal every four games in 2010/11. (If you’d take Gibson over Cole in that he’s younger, less injury-prone and with more scope to improve, then you’d have to take Ngog over the has-been Owen for the same reason.)

As I noted in a recent Subscribers-only piece, eight players seem to be of little or no use going into next season, with five of Hodgson’s six signings almost certainly destined for the exit, if takers can be found. Paul Konchesky, Christian Poulsen and Joe Cole just haven’t worked out, while Brad Jones has already been usurped as no.2 to Pepe Reina by the prodigious Hungarian Peter Gulacsi. Fabio Aurelio is Liverpool standard, but he’s just not available often enough.

Add the headless duo of Philipp Degen and Milan Jovanovic, and possibly the likable if occasionally lumbering Kyrgiakos, and that makes eight who have either offered next-to-nothing at Liverpool, or, given their fitness records and/or age, are likely to offer next-to-nothing in the future. These eight could be shipped out without the fear of losing too much at all.

The youngest is 28, and the average age is 30.1. These aren’t just surplus to requirements, they’re old, too.

A ninth likely for the exit is Nabir El Zhar, a fairly ordinary player (although his pace did make for the occasional impact from the bench in 2008/09). But at 24, he may still improve, which is not the case for players like Poulsen, Jovanovic and Konchesky.

That’s nine players from the senior squad, although it’s a rag, tag and bobtail collection of inexpensive signings, four of whom were free (although that doesn’t mean signing on fees didn’t apply.) Indeed, Aurelio was a free transfer twice.

Although this is roughly a third of the ‘established’ squad (excluding the newly emerging youngsters), the average fee for the nine is little over a million each, and only Poulsen and Konchesky cost more than £2m. Indeed, that pair account for about 75% of the total amount paid.

While minimal fees can still be recouped in some cases, the key saving is getting them off the wage bill. At £90,000 a week, Cole is costing almost £5m a year to play the last two minutes of games, while Poulsen, Jovanovic and Aurelio won’t be on peanuts. Most of the big earners at the club are not amongst this collection of ‘deadwood’, but the combined wages still amount to a princely sum (far more than the promising kids will be on – at least until they are fully established and earn pay rises, by which time you know that they are good enough to warrant the improved package).

Maybe

The two ‘maybes’ are Alberto Aquilani, who may stay in Italy even though the Juventus deadline has passed, and Emiliano Insua. Good squads need players with a lot to offer, even if they are not perfect. You just won’t find any squad that has 24 players of a similar calibre, or 24 players all on form.

With this pair, it’s down to Dalglish and Comolli to see if they’re worth keeping, and considering as options for next season, or if there’d be more to gain by cashing in and reinvesting in new players. I certainly wouldn’t class them as deadwood, or individuals I’d be happy to see the back of – I like both – but they may possess greater worth in terms of their transfer potential.

The rest of the squad is more likely to be ring-fenced. If someone offered well over the odds for a key man, then obviously he may be sold; it has to be done, as we saw with Torres. But with (at my estimate) at least nine players heading for the exit, I’d fear selling any of those who have proved their worth, and who have time on their side. Too many changes may prove chaotic. The squad needs overhauling, but not complete butchering.

My theory is that roughly only half of transfers work out. Of course, there are varying degrees of success and failure, but it’s rare to buy five players and have five hits. So you have to be careful when selling your better players, based on the law of averages when it comes to their replacements.

Also, Liverpool have already been selling off their best players for two or three years now. In the case of Torres, it made sense, given injuries, form, a desire to leave, and the fee in question. And as both Alonso and Mascherano also wanted out, then that made sense, too, even if the pair had plenty to offer. But barring ludicrous bids, I wouldn’t be in a rush to sell off anyone else.

Aging Rivals

One hope we can cling to is that key players at Manchester United and Chelsea are nearing the end of their shelf life. I’ve been saying this for what seems like two or three years, and some of the bastards just won’t go gracefully. How dare they? (In fairness, while they keep playing so well, why should they retire?)



At least United keeper van der Sar is calling it a day. As we saw with Ferguson’s nightmares in the goalkeeping market between Peter Schmeichel moving on in 1999 and the current no.1 arriving in 2005, a lot of a team’s success can hinge on the man between the sticks; all manner of duds were bought to try and solve what is a unique position in football, and although titles were still won, they were more sporadic, and United were not the same kind of force at the time (look at their Champions League record, for starters). Any outfield player can at least do a job anywhere else on the pitch, but keepers are a breed unto themselves.

It doesn’t matter how talented keepers are, if they lose their confidence and start making mistakes, it can all unravel. And the bigger the club (or international team), the more they get torn to shreds for their gaffes. A team’s core stability comes from its keeper; if he’s having a ‘mare, then that seeps throughout the side.

Arsenal, to great cost, have spent a few seasons carrying various passengers between the sticks. Had they signed Pepe Reina last summer, they might have been champions this year. If that seems far-fetched given the way they imploded, it’s worth noting how their confidence crisis began with goalkeeping errors, and mistakes by defenders in his vicinity. I may be surmising here, but I believe that defenders get edgy when around a nervous keeper, and then midfielders and forwards try to overcompensate, and teams lose games. (Thankfully, Pepe Reina is once again happy at Liverpool.)

It may cost United £15-20m for a new keeper. That will be £15-20m they have been forced to spend, following the retirement of a world-class custodian.

And it won’t improve them; £15-20m, just to end up – at best – as good as they are now. But if the new keeper lacks van der Sar’s coolness and reliability (borne of 800+ club games and 130 internationals), not to mention his valuable distribution, it could get shaky at the back. (It’s not just dropping crosses or fumbling shots: keepers who frequently miskick are a liability.)

Age and Liverpool

If you look at key players who are currently 31 or over, Liverpool only have Jamie Carragher (33) to worry about with regard to the sands of time. Of course, players ‘melt’ at different rates, but it’s a process that means most players are a mere puddle by their mid-30s.

Steven Gerrard turns 31 next month, meaning the famed local heartbeat of the team is in its final stages of football life. Dirk Kuyt – who, admittedly, seems to be getting better rather than worse – is another who is 30. And although not seen as a key player until the past month, Maxi is another at that same age. But that’s about it.

Now look at Manchester United.

We all know about 37-year-old Ryan Giggs and 36-year-old Paul Scholes, as well as van der Sar retiring aged 40. But United have other age issues. Rio Ferdinand is 32 (33 later in the year), Wes Brown 31, Michael ‘I won the title on my own’ Owen 31, Dimitar Berbatov 30, Patrice Evra 30, Park Ji-Sung 30, John O’Shea 30, and expensive über-crock Owen Hargreaves is also 30. The hugely underrated Michael Carrick turns 30 in the summer, and Nemanja Vidic turns 30 early next season. Of those players, only Hargreaves and Owen have done little in a United shirt.

While some aren’t exactly playing like creaking 30-somethings, a few of those are showing signs of aging; Ferdinand is a key player to whom that definitely applies. Injuries appear to be taking their toll. Perhaps he’s like Gerrard: not playing as frequently as in the past, but he’s almost two years older than the Liverpool captain.

United have already addressed some of these issues, with younger players slipping seamlessly into the team. Chris Smalling (21) and Javier Hernández (22) have come in and done very well, particularly the latter. Rafael (21) appears to have made the right-back spot his own. Elsewhere, Wayne Rooney is in the prime of his career, and Nani and Valencia are also in their mid-20s. No worries there.

But as an outsider (and one happy to admit that he doesn’t study United too closely), I get the impression that there’s a fair amount of rebuilding necessary in the coming years, with a lot of their better players past the point of selling to recoup large fees for reinvestment (in the way that selling Beckham and Ronaldo raised funds). Perhaps, in the way seen with Gillett and Hicks at Liverpool, this is where the incredible levels of debt starts to tell, with decreased investment in new players. And hell, Ferguson has to retire at some point, surely?

Maybe it’s just wishful thinking on the part of a Liverpool fan, and it’s never good to write off Ferguson and his players, but four or five of United’s strongest XI are nearing the end of the road, and 13 of their current squad will be in their 30s by the end of the year. And when players like van der Sar, Giggs, Ferdinand and Scholes go, they take with them an incredible amount of experience and composure.

Right now, United clearly have a stronger squad than Liverpool. But it is possible to see how the gap can be closed. A first step was made by selling the fading Torres (even though he may burst back into life at some stage) and the aimless Babel for Suarez and Carroll, two players with a younger average age. Even if Carroll isn’t a sensation, Suarez already is, and together they look a better bet for the future than the two they replaced for a neutral net spend.

Essential

While the majority of Liverpool older players are expendable, United and Chelsea have to face up to losing a greater percentage of essential personnel.

At Stamford Bridge, the 30-somethings are as follows: Cole 30, Lampard 32 (33 in June), Benayoun 31, Drogba 33, Malouda 30, Ferreira 32, Terry 30, and Anelka 32. Not quite as many older players as United, but perhaps a greater percentage of key ones. Again, they have their fair share of talent in their mid-20s, and some promising youngsters. But the gap in first-team quality between their squad and ours can be narrowed this summer.

At Liverpool, the players of sufficient first-team quality who are not past their peak are Reina 28, Lucas 24, Skrtel 26, Kelly 21, Meireles 28, Johnson 26, Agger 26, Suarez 24 and Carroll 22. Almost all of these nine would be in Liverpool’s strongest side. At 26, Alberto Aquilani would definitely challenge for a spot in the XI, if he were to return. It doesn’t mean that better alternatives can’t be found to one or two of these players, but to me, these are not ones I worry about.

There are others. Spearing, at 22, is pushing towards that category with some much-improved displays (if nothing else, he’s now a stronger-looking squad player – a classic ‘John O’Shea’ if you will), and Jonjo Shelvey, 19, has a lot of potential and character, and a fair amount of experience for his age. Another 19-year-old, Danny Wilson, has pedigree, but, as can happen to teenagers, has not looked totally assured in his few first-team appearances (often filling in at left-back). And of course, 18-year-old John Flanagan has been a revelation, even if he’s got a long way to go to be considered a regular starter when everyone is fit.

And while it seems that many have given up on David Ngog, he’s still a pretty good 22-year-old striker, if not one we’d like to see in the first team beyond emergencies. (Certainly no worse than Obertan in terms of being at the fringes of a squad.) If and when he returns from loan, Emiliano Insua can add depth to the squad, and Daniel Ayala has the look of a future star.

But we must remember that all the top clubs have some talented youngsters coming through, or out on loan. And all of these clubs have been sourcing top-class talent for their academies. While Liverpool may not have the edge here, it does at least now match them, ever since Rafa Benítez overhauled the Academy in 2009.

The End Is In Sight

A lot of this piece is pure conjecture. Some players go on longer than expected, and others instantly and unexpectedly melt as if left in the Sahara. Unlike my namesake (the expired octopus), I’m not psychic.

But if 32 can be considered the tipping point in a career – the point where you are officially ‘old’ – United, with four, and Chelsea, with three, have more to worry about when it comes to key players than Liverpool, with just one.

And by the end of the year, nine of United’s best players (therefore excluding the likes of O’Shea and Brown) will be 30 or over, and seven at Chelsea, compared with just four from Liverpool.

If I were supporting either of those clubs I’d be hugely grateful for what they’d given me in the past, but nervous of how we’d cope without them.

Kenny For Good?

http://tomkinstimes.com/2011/04/kenny-for-good/

Like most people, I expected Kenny Dalglish to give Liverpool a lift. While he wouldn’t have been my first choice last summer (due to his time out of the game), such was the depression surrounding the team by the autumn that it was crying out for someone inspirational and in touch with the club. If a caretaker was needed, he had to be the man.

But I probably didn’t expect such a positive impact, given he inherited a team lacking confidence and, as the season has progressed, a high number of injuries.

In just 14 league games Dalglish has easily surpassed Roy Hodgson’s points tally from his 20 (27 points compared with 25). In those 14 games, more goals have been scored than in the 20 under the predecessor. Ironically, clean sheets are occurring far more regularly than under the more defensive Hodgson. All this means that the goal difference has swung from a ghastly -3 to a very encouraging +12 since January.

But is it enough to secure a full-time return?

Managers need several things going for them. Few will have everything on their side; almost all will have weaknesses, because they are human beings. And as with most things in life, even good qualities will have a flip side; nothing is ever 100% right or wrong. If you’re a nice guy, some players may take advantage of you; if you’re a no-nonsense boss, it may lead to mutiny. No-one can be all things to all men, and modern squads tend to consist of every type of personality and nationality.

But if you look at several important categories, Kenny Dalglish ticks the boxes.



Experience

Logic tells us that experience helps with decision making. The more situations you’ve faced, the more of a memory bank you have to draw from, and recall what worked and what flunked. This leads to better instant judgements; see the excellent book ‘Blink’ by Malcolm Gladwell for how this works.

The experience of simply being an ex-player is not enough, though, because managers think differently to players. They have to think about the overall project, not simply their own part within it. It’s a holistic approach, and requires so many different strengths that even people who have never played the game can succeed to incredible levels. (Arrigo Saachi, a former shoe salesman, being the most famous example, having created one of the game’s great sides at AC Milan in the late ‘80s. “I never realised that in order to become a jockey you have to have been a horse first”, he once noted.)

Managers have to stake their reputations on buying and selling players; judgements footballers don’t have to make. They have to take responsibility for tactics, motivation and, of course, the results themselves. You need a feel for the game, which players obviously have, but there’s a lot more to it than simply that. You need communication skills and an analytical mind, which plenty of footballers lack.

Dalglish was one of the few successful player-managers when he first started out, and in the minority of world-class players who were just as successful in the dugout. But he was also aided by perhaps the most experienced back-room staff in football at the time, with the masterful Bob Paisley also on hand for advice. The squad was full of the ultimate winning experience – most had league titles and European Cup medals – and they knew Kenny well.

His initial problems related more to now being seen as their boss; but he was almost certainly the most revered player in the dressing room anyway. Mark Lawrenson noted that he soon felt put in his place by Dalglish when he was late for training. Phil Neal, overlooked for the role, sulked, and was quickly despatched. Dalglish was boss.

Now, 26 years later, Dalglish is brimming with experience. Despite a decade out of the dugout, he is the wise old head; particularly when compared with the other name that’s been bandied about in connection with the job, that of the precocious Andre Villas Boas.

Villas Boas is the 33-year-old Jose Mourinho/Bobby Robson protégé with an absolutely jaw-dropping 87% win percentage with Porto this season, and this after the club sold two of its best players (one being Raul Meireles). The club have already won the Portuguese league, and are into the Europa League semi-finals, having put 10 past Spartak Moscow over two legs (five home, five away). This comes just a year after his first managerial role, with second-tier Académica, who were bottom and winless when he took over in October last season, and ended up escaping relegation by ten points.

Of course, with 35 years in management, Roy Hodgson was the apotheosis of the ‘experience’ candidate in 2010. But it seems that the right kind of experience is just as vital. Different clubs come with different pressures; at Liverpool, it’s about living up to an incredible history, dealing with heavy expectation and appeasing one of the globe’s biggest sporting fan-bases. Coping with that weight is necessary.

It’s also about winning more than five out of every ten league games: something Shankly, Paisley, Fagan, Dalglish (first time around), Evans, Houllier and Benítez managed to do, and what Kenny is currently doing once more (for this seaso he equals Benítez’s overall average of 57%).

Souness and Hodgson, however, fell well short. Avoiding defeat is not enough. Hodgson had experience, but not a lot of it was with similar kinds of club; he had 35 years of needing to win a lower percentage of games each season to satisfy expectations. But the ‘35’ he gave us was his league win percentage.

With all this in mind, the dynamic Villas Boas demands serious consideration. To have achieved what he has, at such a young age, in two very different situations, shows a real gift. But it’s still hard to see anyone fitting in quite as well as Kenny Dalglish.

Symbiosis

In this context, symbiosis is the meeting of minds between the club, its fans and the manager. Perhaps this is an even bigger deal at Liverpool than most clubs, because of the legendary relationship between Bill Shankly and the Kop. The goodwill needs to flow from one to the other, and back again.

For almost 40 years, Liverpool fans knew for certain that the men managing their club got the institution. Every manager was either appointed from within, or an ex-player. Then arrived Frenchman Gérard Houllier. But even he had lived in Liverpool, and stood on the Kop as a young teacher. Upon arrival he said the right things.

Next up was Rafa Benítez, a Spaniard, but he understood the fans from day one (and continues to attend the Hillsborough memorial service); proving that you don’t have to be appointed from within, or from the city – just simply judge the situation correctly, and act to defend the club and its supporters whenever possible. He chose to join Liverpool after winning the Spanish title twice in three seasons – and added the Uefa Cup – and we felt honoured that someone so successful would wish to head our way. It felt like a good appointment.

The first man who failed to get onto the same wavelength as the fans was Roy Hodgson. There was some skepticism amongst the support at the outset, based on his lack of major achievements in the game, and his oft-noted desire to manage the English national side sooner rather than later. Many fans felt he was using the club as a stepping stone, although his allies described it as reward for years of hard work.

The initial press conferences were impressive, and skeptics (myself included) were being won over. But strange comments began appearing in pre-season, such as “I hope we don’t get beaten too heavily” before the friendly with Al Hilal, and “I hope we don’t get beaten 6-0” before the Premier League game at Man City in August. (I recently turned 40, and I’m not sure the Reds have lost by that margin in my lifetime. It also implies that losing 3-0 would be acceptable, and that was the final result.)

Red flags were everywhere, and I don’t mean on the Kop. Bottom-tier Northampton Town were described thus: “They’ll be a formidable challenge – there’s no question about that.” No wonder they arrived in good spirits. By all means don’t disrespect the opposition, but equally, don’t treat winnable games as missions impossible.

It wasn’t long before Hodgson criticised the fans protesting against the then-hated owners. He also seemed intent on putting his own reputation before that of the club. If it’s fair to say that the majority of fans were not exited by his appointment, he used up what goodwill there was by refusing to back his players in the face of criticism from Alex Ferguson, in amongst a succession of increasingly bizarre press conferences where the pressure appeared to be getting to him.

It’s easy to underestimate the importance of such comments, but fans are looking for leadership, and for a sense of symbiosis. Hodgson never endeared himself to the local press, or local-based national journalists. He gave his time to columnists at the nationals, who were his allies. In fact, if you were to write a set of rules of what not to do at a major football club, Hodgson provides a number of perfect examples. Hodgson demands mention, because he is the dark by which we now recognise the light.

And his comments about Kenny standing no chance of getting the job last summer because he himself was in the frame were never going to endear him to the Kop. He was the appointment of distrusted executives, who themselves were not in tune with the club and its supporters.

Perhaps most crucially, Hodgson also failed to understand how the fans expect the team to play, as evinced by a negative goal difference. No-one expected to finish in the top three, but as the club languished in the relegation zone in October, it was hard to argue, based on the quality seen on the pitch, that things were likely to improve to the required standard.

A manager has to be in tune with the supporters, and the club’s history and traditions. That doesn’t mean adhering to the tactics of 50 years ago, or matching improbable successes. But insulting the intelligence of fans by constantly lowering expectations beyond acceptable levels is not the act of someone in tune with his surroundings.

Instantly, Kenny Dalglish came in and spoke like a winner, even if no-one expected miracles. He said that the team was capable of going on a long winning run, but would be taking it one game at a time. There was no talk of hoping to avoid being thrashed. He spoke like a Liverpool manager.

The same ‘awful’ squad that Hodgson’s allies attacked was soon playing as well as any team in the country, and results dramatically improved. It wasn’t just that Dalglish was loved by the fans; he got what was required. It’s wrong to expect anyone else to be able to match what he offers in terms of his gravitas, but Houllier and Benítez proved that you don’t need to be from the boot room to get the fans on your side (for a fews years, at least).

Authority

I’ve written about this before, even going so far as to say that it’s possibly the most important aspect of management. It’s what leads players to believe in the man in the hot-seat, but it also relates to the situation above the manager; do the powers-that-be believe in him? It’s about credibility, trust, aura.

Players can sense lame duck managers, just as dogs can smell fear. They will exploit any weakness. Equally, they can respect those whose records demand it, and run through brick walls for them. Perhaps the most charismatic and authoritative manager is Jose Mourinho, yet his time at Chelsea faltered rapidly once he fell out with Roman Abramovich.
It doesn’t take much to lose that authority. Players will blame a manager before taking a good hard look at themselves. Rafa Benítez had a lot of authority at Liverpool between 2004 and 2009, but by 2010 a lot of it had evanesced.

Perhaps all relationships between players at managers reach a point of no return. As Jonathan Wilson notes, “The great Hungarian coach Bela Guttmann refused ever to spend longer than three years at a club because he felt that after that he could no longer motivate players.”

When Alex Ferguson sees his relationships break down – as seen with Beckham and Stam – he sells the player with impunity. His authority is such that no-one dare question him. But other managers – less embedded at a club, less successful, less powerful – would perhaps be the one to be shown the door ahead of a valuable star. The Manchester United players know who is boss, and that helps.

Imagine if Roy Hodgson had tried to sell Fernando Torres. There would have been mutiny amongst the fan base. And yet when it happened on Kenny Dalglish’s watch, we quickly got over the shock, and accepted that the striker was a bit of a fading force. There was not one iota of outrage directed at the new boss, or the owners (apart from a few of the cyberspace crazies).

Perhaps this shows double standards on our part. But it is a reflection of track records, not an arbitrary dislike of the Londoner.

In a recent Goal.com article, three of the worst 10 transfers of 2010/11 were Hodgson purchases: Joe Cole, Paul Konchesky and Christian Poulsen. Given that he only made six signings, this is some going. Brad Jones and Fabio Aurelio (due to injury) have also had little impact, although unlike the three selected, neither was bought for the first XI, and neither cost more than £2m. With all this in mind, no-one wanted to see who Hodgson would reinvest the £50m on, with visions of £20m spent on Carlton Cole.

The fact that Kenny could sell the star player – even if the decision may have been made for him (due to Torres wanting away, and FSG not wanting to keep unhappy assets) – and not suffer dissent shows the authority he holds in the eyes of the fans. And as the fans are less likely to get on his back, his authority is less likely to be diminished in the eyes of the players, who can tell from the crowd reaction how the boss is viewed. And none of the players need telling who Dalglish is, or what he means to the club.

Could any other manager have gained such a response in January? Had Dalglish gone back to work at Newcastle and sold Andy Carroll, he would probably have been castigated by the Toon army. But at Anfield he’s a protected species. This is not to say that he isn’t double-guessed and questioned, in the way that all supporters express doubts from time to time (even Ferguson gets it). But those doubts are left at the turnstiles.

And of course, if a manager is undermined from above, his authority is likewise weakened. In Benítez’s case, it was by Gillett, Hicks, Parry and Purslow.

In Hodgson’s case, such undermining was more inadvertent, when FSG appointed Damien Comolli as Director of Football.

However well-intended, the Director of Football position always undermines the in situ manager to at least some degree. It implies “I don’t trust you”, and British football folk are particularly distrusting of the role. The British management culture is sole control. But it’s understandable why FSG, as newcomers, would baulk at handing over tens of millions of transfer kitty to a man they didn’t appoint; or, indeed, to any single individual.

Their intention was to turn to the wisdom of crowds, and spread the responsibility in scouting and securing players, by bringing in an expert in the buying of players (or at least someone who shared their methodology in analysing performance). But it’s always a PR blow to the manager, and perhaps puts doubt into the minds of some players as to who is calling the shots. Given the innate ‘threatening’ nature of the DoF, the manager needs to be seen as strong and commanding in the eyes of the players, fans and media.

Kenny Dalglish, even as a mere caretaker, has that authority. It helps that he took the role knowing that Comolli was already in place; therefore, no-one could say that he was undermined. But even so, he has clout.

If anything, time has eased some doubts that surrounded the legend towards the end of his first spell in charge.

By 1991, his penchant for excluding top-scorer Peter Beardsley, along with his proclivity to play a number of ‘defenders’ in midfield – not to mention buying the aging David Speedie and the hapless Jimmy Carter – had plenty of fans scratching their heads. But this is a different beast: older, wiser, and not living under the cloud of Hillsborough.

Tactical acumen

Tactics clearly play an important part in modern football. But if a manager is a lame duck, it doesn’t matter what formation he plays; the players have to respond, and so does the crowd, and that becomes all the less likely if there is a lack of trust and a sense of uncertainty. Rafa Benítez didn’t become a worse tactician overnight, but some of the players had stopped responding in the way they once had. (Hodgson never really got some of them going to start with, and his tactics were horribly flawed to deal with the expectations.)

Next season, tactics will perhaps play a bigger part for Dalglish, if he gets the job on a full-time basis.

Team spirit and togetherness is perhaps the most vital component for getting out of a slump, and Dalglish engendered that. He has managed the players incredibly well, and that is far easier to do if you are a living legend. But tactical naivety can just as easily undo all that good work, and thankfully there’s been no sign of that.

From the moment he reclaimed his puffy manager’s jacket, Dalglish showed he understood the abilities of the players at the club better than his predecessor. He also showed far more versatility, switching from 4-2-3-1 to 3-5-2 and finally settling on a 4-4-1-1 that could easily be viewed as 4-3-3 with Suarez pulling left and Kuyt to the right, either side of Andy Carroll.

Where Hodgson tried to force things into his flat 4-4-2, Dalglish found success with players operating between the lines. Where Hodgson preferred pure defenders like Kyrgiakos, Skrtel and Konchesky, Dalglish knew that the likes of Agger, Johnson, Aurelio and Kelly were vital in order to dominate possession and take the game to the opposition.

The only criticism would be a couple of games in which Andy Carroll was targeted with long balls from the back, but on the whole, the football has been fluid and inventive, whatever the formation and whatever the personnel.

Carroll won’t be as effective as a goal threat until there’s better service from wide areas, although with Kuyt likely to keep his place on the right, where he guarantees double figures for the season, the team only needs one winger.

(In the modern game, full-backs often provide a lot of crosses, and this is something the likes of Johnson, Kelly and Aurelio can do.) And Carroll can bring others into the game; he’s not just there to get on the end of crosses. (I covered some of the tactical issues in more depth here, including how the addition of pace will alter how the team can set up.)

Of course, the credit for the revival must be shared with Steve Clarke. While Kenny is canny with a chalkboard, Clarke is seen by many to be the driving force behind the tactical side of things. But it doesn’t really matter who is the ideas man, so long as the manager is seen to be in charge, and everyone is seen to be singing from the same hymn sheet. Clarke behind by a less-commanding figure would not have the same effect.

The key is to have the entire skill-set covered by the management team, and that appears to be the case right now. Add the less quantifiable qualities, like symbiosis, respect and authority, and it’s hard to think of anyone better suited to the Liverpool job right now.